The Science of Sleeping and Dreaming

I came from a place where reality wasn't the biggest concern. It effected me enormously in terms of how i shape my life and how i walk this earth. That way of living is embedded, planted deep in my brain that even after i left the place i still cannot shake it off. In a way it was always in me, and i was just triggered.
I had a history of not being able to deal with the reality. The last time it happened, i was deeply troubled, frustrated and disappointed. It took me six months to make peace with it, and when that finally happened, it was like waking up from a lucid dream. I remembered it vividly that it was like it never was real. Like an elaborated imagination.

When that kind of history becomes an everyday reality for me, i began to live with the threat of having it reoccur daily. And it has happened. I feel like Dom Cobb in Inception but opposite. He dreams to live in the past and lives to die. I live to be in the past and dream so i have a chance to be free.
I'm reliving the past while conscious, blurring the lines on what's real and what's not. Living in my brain on what has happened and replaying it over and over again. Frying my brain with past images like scrambled eggs. Either i felt it way too deeply so i couldn't keep myself away, or i'm detached from it to not even see what really is happening.

Living has become a painful, unreal experience, filled with horrific instances that drove me into imagination. Far fetched from what had or will happen. And those dreamless sleeps are my only escape. It makes waking up so much harder than usual.
But then again, i have no idea what "usual" means to me anymore.
All i know is that balance is thrown off, gravity and physics are disregarded, time is once again fragmented, and living has become a nightmare, and in some ways what i understood as nightmares are the only comfort.
That is until i wake up.